This is a different kind of blog for me. Normally when I share, it’s at a time when I have figured out why a hardship was necessary for me and I share the lessons I have learned. I am deeply intuitive and would normally share tricks around trusting yourself during intuition week. I have to be vulnerable this time because for over a year, my own ability to follow my intuition has been in crisis.

This time, with this blog, I am in the middle of one of the hardest, darkest and most confusing times in my life. I figure maybe if I can’t escape for myself, I can escape because I don’t want to let others down. That’s the thing about me; I have always had an easier time in life when I am doing for others than when I am trying to do for myself. If I am being totally honest, I am not entirely sure who I am, so it makes it difficult to know what I need in the first place. And that’s how I got here.  Like always, I melted into someone’s identity; only this time it cost me the very essence of who I was. Every step of the way, I had my intuition to follow and almost daily, I ignored it. Some days, when it comes to myself talk or my dreaming it could be different, I am still ignoring my intuition. That’s the journey I am on now and I hope you will come with me as I try to rediscover what listening to myself looks like.  For now, I am starting my listening by letting others in on my journey as I escape from a narcissist and my recovery from the trauma of narcissistic abuse.

 

This is chapter one of the end of this story. It’s an ending that I can’t fully write because I don’t know it yet. Chapter one of the beginning of this story started eighteen months ago. I fell so hard. I tumbled into love, into bliss, into hallow words and fictitious intentions. He was my everything and I was his supply. I saw an innocent man who had been through so much and I just knew I could show him what he was really made of. And he saw someone to conquer. He saw a soul more innocent than any he had known, and he saw a chance to prove that he could conquer even a good girl like me. The good times lasted for three to four months and then the slow cuts to the reality I had built around this love begun.  

 

I have read every book on narcissism since the day I figured out what I was dealing with. I have logically known for some time that I was in a relationship with a man who does not feel much of anything for other people and yet still, I carried on. As the relationship spiraled into darkness, I was able to create physical distance and found ways to protect my reputation and my finances because I knew those were open season in his mind should I make him angry enough. But after all this time, all this pain, I haven’t found a way to protect my spirit, my heart or my mind. I have said more prayers, asked for more direction, cried more tears and sought more direction than I ever have in my life. And still, I am here. I sit in my confusions and pain trauma bonded to a man that has destroyed my spirit. I have never had an addictive personality. I have always followed the rules and done life balanced and in moderation. But not love. Love, I do with all of me. I jump in and hold on long past when I should let go. Moderation in love doesn’t exist for me and this time my lack of balance, coupled with habits to attract and maintain codependent relationships created a perfect storm.

I am the perfect victim for a narcissist. I will repeat that for every person reading this that thinks being the victim of any type of abuse is about weakness or lack. Big titles, lots of money, a billion admirers or any other type of faux external showing of self-worth are completely exclusive to the dynamics involved in become the victim of abuse. One ounce of self-doubt, one ounce of empathy and belief in people and their ability to grow and do better and you can be sucked in.

 

I am starting my vulnerable sharing of this story with the reality that we can all become victims because the first battle in my head that I have to conquer is the one that has me waking up daily asking myself how someone like me could have gotten here. The self-bashing that has been done over the last year is the only abuse worse than the abuse I was suffering at the hands of my partner. As my confidence was crushed with slights about my body or the constant and remorseless cheating with women that look nothing like me, I saw myself slipping away.

 

Every step of this journey, my gut and mind knew what my heart could not accept. With each new trauma, I felt less equipped to leave. That’s why this type of abuse is so difficult to understand both for the victim and the people that love them. The myth is that a woman will get fed up and leave. With a narcissist, the abuse is directed at you in a way that makes leaving feel like the only fate worse than living in the hell you are currently in. You are groomed to believe you are worthless without them and that most of the issues are your fault. I would tell myself that the next time he cheated, lied, called me names or rejected me; I would leave. I can only imagine what delight was happening inside of him when I leveraged these shallow threats that he had deliberately manipulated into being untrue. And so, I stayed. Or, I broke it off for a while and went back over and over again. The dynamic became my addiction, my drug and lifeline. I would suffer weeks of brutal arguments and traumatic events in an effort to land myself a couple of days of apologies and kindness. My own strength and ability to endure became my down fall.

 

I have always struggled with anxiety but as this relationship came to its head last Summer, I began to suffer panic attacks and withdrawal symptoms. My thoughts became darker and the battle between my intuition and my heart grew into overwhelming self-critique and frustration. The anger ball that was growing inside me turned me into a different person entirely. I was full of poison and venom towards another human in ways I didn’t know I was capable. I said and did things I am trying to forgive myself for to this day. I disappeared and a shell of myself remained. I focused my energies on trying to be my old self not realizing all I could do was spend every ounce of energy and self-compassion trying to stay away from the one who destroyed me. I didn’t want to admit that the way to get back to myself was to get away from him and even then, I would likely never be the same. And so, I fought for my physical distance and slowly could go days without calling only to fall off the wagon after a week and outcry of apologies. As I write this now, I have to admit that I have never successfully gone “no contact” with this individual and have struggled to say no when he pops up in my life needing something. I haven’t ever easily reconciled loving someone and then never talking to them again. It’s so counter to my nature as evidenced by my beautiful relationship with my ex-husband. In this case, to accept that I cannot speak to my narcissist without becoming his victim again means accepting that he never loved me and in fact, is not even capable of loving another human being. It’s a tragic ending that this eternal optimist has yet to reconcile.

 

And so here I am in all my vulnerability and shame, sharing that I am on this journey. It feels wrong to write a blog on intuition this week that is about anything other than my current battle with my own intuition and the devastating results I have suffered by ignoring it. I am picking up the pieces and this is the first blog of many to share my progress. I am committed to sharing the whole ugly truth, to being accountable to the words and advice I give others and I am committed to improving the way I talk to myself about this.  I am committed to creating a place for my own worthiness in the wreckage of love lost and confidence shattered. Most of all, although I have not yet escaped in so many ways, I am committed to escaping my narcissist and every lasting jail cell of self-doubt this relationship put me in.

 

Until next time . . . .