I wrote this poem in the depth of my relationship with my narcissist. I am sharing it now not for sympathy but as a reminder to anyone who is the victim of this type of emotional abuse or any other abuse. You can and will get through it. This was one of the darkest days of this relationship for me and to look back on where I was, I feel pride for my survival.
Drowning in You– A Love Poem
I lie in bed crying so much, the pain in my chest more excruciating than I think I can survive. My mind spins and spins making rest impossible. I beg God to help me, to save me from the pain, to free me from this love that tortures me but he never comes for me, he never saves me. It’s like I am having my head held under water by the person I love the most. I am reaching for him, knowing he is the only one that can save me but he just keeps holding me under. Every once in a while, he allows me to breath, to bring my face towards the sun and inhale. As quickly as I relax my body hopeful that I am done drowning forever, it begins again. Back under I go, deeper and darker this time than the last. My body is weakened each time and now as he pushes me back under, I barely have the energy to fight anymore. I let the water take me to the edge of my existence, hold my breath until I think this will surely be the end, accepting the outcome as if it is the only thing that will save me from the pain. I start to desire the suffocating feeling more than I desire to breath again. Each time I go back under, I want less to come back up. I start to want to die there in the ocean so that I can never feel the hope of sucking in air again just to have it ripped from me moments later. Leave me here once and for all my love. Hold me down this one last time until I stop fighting and my body surrenders to your pain. Let me lie here in stillness until I am found floating far away in the distance by the ones who love me, the ones who tried to save me from you but couldn’t. When they find me, may they know I fought so hard for myself but eventually I lost the strength. You were all that mattered. Only you could have saved me. You and the moments of oxygen I breathed in before you pushed me back under. You, my love, you were all that mattered before you held me down for the last time and I never breathed your air of hope again.